No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
