there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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