she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Can you repeat that, but with context?
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
