i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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