we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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