i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
