Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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