wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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