Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
