I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
It's shark week go big or go home
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
