I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
