Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
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