Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
