Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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