DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Randomize
