Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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