and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
