I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
