you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
