Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
