She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
