I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
