im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
