Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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