I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
