Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize