i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize