You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You are the jesus of drinking
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