There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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