and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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