Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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