The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
