I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
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