There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Randomize
