I accidentally had phone sex last night
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
i think my cat just said my name.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
