I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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