my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
