highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
