im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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