she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You're breaking my sexual little heart
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
