you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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