Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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