sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
