My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize