ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
