Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
