ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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