Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
