Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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