There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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