What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
