This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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