I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
