Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
