It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
