i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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