I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
