I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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