Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Randomize
